Unofficial fansite, maintained by @AGTrendsite
You asked for it. Here they are. God, the glory will be going right to their head.
An open letter to the Great God Twitter
Dear Twitter, we love you. You allow us to talk to, and make new, friends. You allow us to share photos and videos and watch twitcams. We can all share in the appreciation of Mr Grimshaw and his music without fear or favour and have truly found “our people”. But on nights like tonight we could quite happily reach through the screen and wring your scrawny little neck.
An hour and a bit to trend? Are you kidding us twitter? We should have trended way before that. Then the stats showed a dip so we, in our role of saboteurs of your minxy ways, changed the trend. So you, oh twitter, pulled a right blinking fast one and up popped NC2U in the Trending Topics. So, lo The Grimlings did rejoice and we did pull the Emergency Trend to tax you with another day, and left to eat, have fun and generally do things that your efforts to keep @mr_grimshaw off the Trending Topics have prevented.
But, dear twitter, we will not be thwarted for we have received sustenance from the Cardiff photos and videos that have been posted; and by the power of the hashtag and creative spelling angels we will be victorious.
The Grimling Trenders
An Open Letter To The Great God Twitter
Hahahahahahaha. You tried to foil us yesterday, but we are Grimlings and we are proud. Today we were having none of your nonsense. Siign Aiiden – 22 minutes and Matt’s yer uncle and Dannii’s yer aunt, bish bash bosh – there it was in our favourite little Trending Topics box. We then thought we would rub it in a bit and went Worldwide, just for jokes and giggles. We got quite comfy in the TT box, staying there for nearly two hours. What do you make of that?
So, good trend all in all, but don’t worry twitter, we’ll see you there tomorrow same time same place. We Grimlings got a view of the future today, one where Aiden Grimshaw got signed, one where we will be able to spell his bloody name correctly and not worry about hitting the TTs, and we liked it. So we won’t stop.
Keep on keeping on twitter, and we will be there tomorrow.
Note – we think the glimpse of the future was the first press reports of Aiden being signed.
An open letter to twitter
As you read this letter, please feel free to dot it with random swear words, offensive terms and hysterical outbursts of screaming, as that is how it was written before it fell under the harsh eye of a calming editor.
Siign Griimshaw should have flown in to the TTs on soaring wings of awesomeness, and you know that twitter, YOU KNOW THAT. What do you do, stalk @AGTrendSite until they utter the words “Emergency Trend” and then decide to allow Grimlings access to the hallowed halls of Trending Topics?
But that wasn’t enough for you tonight was it twitter? Oh no. What happened to you when you were young? Was someone mean to your server? Weren’t given enough bits to your byte which made you a sad and bitter twitter? YOU KILLED OUR TIMELINES. Just as we hit TTs.
That’s dirty and mean. However, you forget that FORTYFIVE CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF TRENDING have toughened the Grimlings up. Even cast out into the twitter wilderness the Grimlings tweeted like maniacs and soon Siign Griimshaw surveyed the TTs from the lofty spot of top UK trend. Then to show you that right conquers might it flipped over to Worldwide Trending Topics. See that twitter? That’s how much we care about your tricksy ways.
And to all the non-Grimling people commenting on the misspellings? All it proves is that Grimlings understand twitter better than them.
We have 73 days of this to go twitter. 73 days. We would appreciate it if you stop playing silly beggars and just let us get on with it.
Even Less Love Than Last Time
An Open Letter To the Great God Twitter
How’s things? Are you well? You loved us this afternoon, spreading good news for some (people in England) and “oh bums” for others (people not in England) as you used yourself as a platform to share the great news of Aiden Grimshaw’s solo mini-tour. Keep doing that. We like that. And if you do that for Scotland, Wales and Ireland well we’ll like that even more.
So, we were in a good mood twitter. Some might even say a great mood. So much so that our timelines filled with YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and other dolphin language noises. We felt nourished and refreshed. Grimlings tried a cheeky trend of #grimlingsthanko2 so elated were we, and even though it didn’t trend we were not down of heart. We have the prospect of OMGHEMIGHTHAVEALIVEBAND to sustain us, even though we might not be lucky enough to see him. See that, twitter, that is called happiness for our fellow Grimlings. You will never know that feeling because you are a big bag of shite.
Yes, you read correctly. Our good feelings evaporated like gossamer in the wind once we started trending Gr1mshaw Album. You see that twitter. That’s how much Grimlings want Aiden Grimshaw to be signed. We will even mangle OUR OWN LANGUAGE to get the recognition that a spot in Trending Topics brings. We started our trend attempt, several of us tweeting complete strangers, safe in the knowledge that a Grimling bond can never be broken, not even by a -OH YOU ARE BLOODY KIDDING ME IS THAT A FAIL WHALE??
A Fail Whale, twitter? Seriously? For a good quarter of the people trending. That is poor. Very poor. Then, for those Grimlings that were not hampered by THE EVIL THAT YOU WROUGHT you drugged the hamsters that power the servers or something because everything went so slow for everyone else.
Again twitter we trended on regardless. For during a trend we are single of purpose and stubborn of mind. We kept going. What else could you throw at us?
Oh, well twitter, that was a new one. A disappearing Trending Topics box. Nice. Like your style. Only it didn’t disappear for all of us and at 6.45pm, like the lovely thought that it is, Gr1mshaw Album popped up in the Trending Topics box. It stayed there until Ian Beale and Grant Mitchell – the only people in the world who could make you, twitter, look like the love child of Pollybloodyanna and Peaceful Pete – came charging in.
To tell you the truth twitter, we don’t care anymore. We really don’t. We have got a feeling that our aim can now be hoped for as “When he-who-cannot-be-named-on-twitter gets signed” rather than “If”. And when that day comes twitter you better have your flipping wits about you, because your Fail Whales can SOD RIGHT OFF then. We’ll light bloody bonfires to get the message across if we have to.
Love? What Love? No Love. None whatsoever. Not even a teeny tiny weeny bit.
An open letter to the great god twitter
I’m a bit perturbed. I feel like we may have gotten off on the wrong foot with these letters. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I’m kind to animal, children, old people and to people whom I meet in day-to-day life. I tip wait staff, taxidrivers and hairstylists. I put money in charity boxes and don’t hoof it to the other side of the road when I hear, “Big Issue, Help the Homeless”. All in all I’m considered to be an all round good egg. So tell me twitter, what is it it about you that turns me into a PSYCHO GIBBERING WRATHBEAST.
All was well tonight, twitter, all was well. There were no last minute ties in the voting leading to frantic multiple searches on trend percentages. That was good. You were keeping your meddle-y ways to a minimum, also good. But then, using your siren song, you lured @mr_grimshaw onto twitter. Also good. Thumbs up triple good in fact, Grimlings like that. We could trend while Mr G was online to see it. Quadruple good.
THEN, then, twitter you evil saboteur, this site was tested. Tested down to the very tenets of our being. You know, don’t you twitter, that one of the rules of the site is that if Mr G or any of the family tweets a trend, then that is the trend of the day. No arguments, no discussion. HOWEVER, we knew, twitter, as did you, that #plonkerpout was to be kept clear so that people could easily tag and identify the pictures. Trending it would have done away with the need for a hashtag in the first place and hidden all the pictures. Also, and you knew this as well twitter you sinful seditionist, that hashtags were trending at a huge percentage. How we wracked our souls to work this one out. It was like an online remake of Catch-22
You forget though twitter, you forget that in your haste to trip us and foil us in our efforts, that Grimlings are not some LOL N00BZ to be trifled with. AGTrendSite stated the facts, and let Grimlings make their own minds up. And they did, Twitter, yahboosucks to you. Grimlings happily trended both, until lo and behold at 7.10, up popped S1gn A1den in the trending topics. Like a monkey up a rope it shot to the top of the UK trends and then HAHATWITTERYOUSUCK it went Worldwide. Job done.
It stayed there, twitter me old mucker me old pal, until Take Me Out started. (Oh and just so you know, if you and me were on that programme twitter, that light would be OFF and the bulb would be unscrewed and smashed to powder beneath my shoes before the elevator doors even opened. JUST SO YOU KNOW.)
We’ll see you tomorrow, twitter. We are prepared. We will be trending before Dancing on Ice, and there is nothing you can throw at us that could put a spanner in the works. Well, maybe the possibility of a Maiden twitcam, but what’s the likelihood of that.
(Eds note – errr, MrG tweeted that he was doing a twitcam tomorrow, and may get Matt in on it. Oh and Matt tweeted that he was doing a twitcam tomorrow as well. So the likelihood is quite high)
Oh. BRING.IT.ON.TWITTER. BRING.IT.ON Every day we are one day closer to the day you EXPLODE YOU DEPRAVED DEMON when we get the news that Mr G has flourished his pen on that lovely piece of paper and a contract has been signed. THat’s what keeps us going.
Love for the twitcam (OMGTHATMAKESMEHAPPYANDNOTHINGMAKESMEHAPPY), no love for you twitter. We shall be victorious.
An open letter to the great god twitter
How’s the haps on the craps? The scores on the doors? The heat on the street? Good? Because it was all unicorns and rainbows this morning. You were the light of our lives, the stars in our hearts, the reason for our very existence this afternoon. Yes twitter, you are reading that right. I would even venture to say that you were the wind beneath our wings this afternoon. The trends fell off after the tennis and before the football and we nipped in like a Dickensian pickpocket and trended Grrimshaw Deal in double quick time. Half an hour and there it was on the Trending Topics, sparkling like a diamond. Grimlings were quite rightly double deee-lighted and whacked that trend Worldwide before you could pull any of your failwhale-disappearing-timeline hoojamaflips. And the Grimlings rejoiced, for we are rather fond of a quick trend. Our keyboards, sanity and timelines thank you.
Then, twitter, you were the gift that kept on giving. MrG finally rose from his slumber and walked amongst us, throwing out tweets willy and indeed nilly. The other half of Maiden did a twitcam, with epic singiness from Mr G on the phone and lovely banter which did sustain us as we waited for MrG to do his twitcam.
OH YOU DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY TWITTAAAAAAAAAAH! Saving that one up were you? Playing all nicey nicey during the day and then slipping under the radar to screw up @mr_grimshaw’s twitcam? Did you and all your little server pals get together over a beer and watch us all, saying to yourselves, “HAHA Wait to you see what we did. Watch this Grimlings are going to go POSTAL hahaheheehe.” Take it out on us, twitter and leave @mr_grimshaw alone.
Well, twitter, although you manage to both suck and blow, we care not a jot. We are getting EPIC WIN tomorrow with a Maiden twitcam. AND IF YOU SCREW WITH THAT THEN BE AFRAID. Because the WRATHBEAST of yesterday will be look like a fluffy liddle puddycat.
We’ll be back tomorrow TWITTAAAAAH. As Mr Rick Astley sang so memorably we are never gonna give you up. And we will trend, sustained by the knowledge that some of our fellow Grimlings will have concert tickets in their lovely little hands (and luckily you cannot screw with that twitter or we would be taking hatchets to your mainframes) and that we are one day nearer to that too double good day of @mr_grimshaw signing that recording contract.
So, again in the words of POP GOD Mr Rick Astley, inside we both know what’s been going on; we know the game and we are gonna play it. SO SUCK ON THAT TWITTTTAAAAH!
An open letter to the great god twitter
Well, we thought it would be a struggle today, we really did. I wound myself up until I was naught but a ball of fizzing ire at the thought of it. Football Transfer Day? The Football Fan’s Equivalent of the X Factor Final, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Fat Pat LOLZ all rolled into one? It was a big ask, twitter, although we were quite delighted when we noticed that you didn’t just annoy righteous Grimlings with your cheatsy ways; Torres wasn’t trending either despite percentages in the stratosphere. Good to see you’re spreading the pain, twitter.
To be honest, twitter, WE PWNED YOUR SCRAWNY ASS tonight. Trending in less than an hour with Grrrimshaw Gigs is a masai win for us. Yet again we sent you to your corner, leaving you rocking backwards and forwards, sucking your blankie and whispering, “bibbiebibbieGrimlingsbibbie”. We’ll take that, oh yes we will twitter, for we have much to be thankful for on this good night.
A nearly sold-out mini tour with no promotion? That’ll be Grimlings using twitter for good that will. Grimlings using twitter to offer tickets to other Grimlings? G-double O-D good. Twititions being set up for gigs in Scotland, Ireland, Wales and Northern Ireland? Smash that. Grimlings telling other Grimlings sites where they could get tickets? Using twitter as a nice thing. See twitter? Why do you hate us so when we are quite pleasant and generous people?
Anyway, you better get your arse in gear and behave yourself tomorrow twitter. We’re going for the big 50 days tomorrow and if you stick your grimy little spoke in our wheels of majesty we will go absolutely bananas. We will not go to windowlicking and hat nicking levels of hysteria but a trend of such ferocity will be unleashed the failwhale will be brought out as a flag of surrender. Oh yes it will.
So, on that cheery note we will leave you TWITTTTAAAAH! We are in quite a good mood tonight, so will leave you with a jaunty wave and a perky gait. We are one day closer to our aim. It’s all about the love, twitter, and don’t you forget that.
Love for Grimlings, none for you my little blue twitter of treachery
An Open Letter to the Great God twitter
Did ya miss me? Because I missed you twitter. About as much as I miss cystitis. While I was away screaming at cats and pulling the petals off roses you pretty much rolled over and played dead, dintcha twittaah? We hit our 50th consecutive day of trending yesterday and I celebrated, oh yes I did. Woke up on a cross-channel ferry with a tattoo of a pair of Kaboom pants on my ass. Looks good, but I ‘m gonna have fun explaining that one to my doctor, twitter, got to tell you the truth there. No idea how it happened either. So, I took the celebrations a little bit easier tonight as we hit our 60th trend. 60. We’re pensioners, twitter. And you treat us so badly. It’s not fair.
Glad that you kept the horror behaviour to a minimum today, twitter, because the Grimlings were feeling a wee bit, how we say, fragile. Can’t really rant about it too much, because as a sore spot if 1 is the beginning of a small pimple, this one is a giant wound worthy of “Embarrassing Illnesses”. (Note – #tourthatneverwas was cancelled)
BUT TWITTTAAAAAH, even though Grimlings felt like they’d been stuffed in a sack and beaten with sticks and were ready to take to the streets with fiery torches in protest, they still trended. In less than an hour Grriimshaw Record hit the top trends and did stay there, oh yes it did. And we will keep on trending and adding random vowels and consonants to perffecctllyy serrrviceabbble words until we get our aim. Because all we need is a glimpse of a quiff or a pair of geek glasses; or a view of Maiden, and we remember what it’s all about.
See you tomorrow twitter. And the day after that and the day after that. We are going to keep on,
Love is all around me, but it bloody shys away from you twitter
An Open Letter To The Great God twitter
Great God twitter my (kaboom-tattooed) ASS! Come with me, twitter, on a journey into the past. 14 December 2010 in fact. Do you know what happened then? Well, Vanessa Hudgens, Miranda Hart, Michael Owen and Ted Raimi were blowing out the candles on their birthday cake (man, that was a helluva party. I remember the pandas jumping out of the birthday pie, but not a lot else after that. And I may have hallucinated the panda/pie bit). Apart from that it was a quiet day.
Except a Grimling had a dream. A dream that was shared with other Grimlings. And they tweeted it. Before you know it twitter, we hit the TTs with #GetAidenSigned. 52 days later, you 140 character limited old goat, we are still here, still with the same thought and still hating you twitter. THE HATE IT BURNS! FLAMES! REAL BURNING FLAMES OF HATE.
Ahem, where was I. Oh yeah. So we carried on with the trending, sacrificing Grimlings to your evil twitter jail along the way. Our followers list plunged more dramatically than Jordan’s necklines on each hard trend as Grimlings were jailed and suspended. Yet we carried on. Even on Christmas Day, twitter, when everyone else was watching The Queen and Doctor Who we were battering away at our keyboards and smartphones making sure that #signourquiffmanaiden was under your twitter tree like a lovely gift. New Year’s Day, when everyone else was stumbling around under the weight of masai hangovers (not me! I was still drunk, trending in a bar) we trended #2011yearofthegrimshaw (AND IT WILL BE TWITTER YOU CAN BET YOUR LITTLE TWEETY BIRDS ON IT!) like the trending top dogs that Grimlings are.
So, here we are. Twitter, today you made the worst mistake ever, and one that I will never forgive you for. I was summoned to speak to Grimling Social Media Whizz because of you. THEY LIVE IN A BLOODY CAVE! Do you appreciate that twitter, a cave, surrounded by computers and bar charts and all sorts of crap. It’s not pleasant. And what makes it worse is that they were telling me how nice you had been to us tonight, that Maiden Streetcam should never have hit the trends. WTeverlovingF twitter, I’m not going to be nice to you. Sod that noise. I had to stand there and listen to them wittering on about early numbers, algorithms, retweets and non-mentions. Gotta tell the truth twitter, the only thing that kept me going through that was a happy memory of an evening on a chaise longue in a Valparaiso drinking den. Anyway, I think what they were saying is that we need to go quick, go hard, and go in numbers for future trends. AND WE WILL TWITTTAAAAH for if there’s one thing that Grimlings are is dedicated.
Tomorrow is another day, twitter, and we have been alerted to something that will help us in trending tomorrow. You have been warned, my horrorbag of a letter receiver, you have been warned.
Love is a many splendoured thing twitter, but not for you. From us to you it’s a little scrunched up used snotrag. HAVE IT!
An open letter to the
great god annoying ass twitter
Yeah, fixed that for ya
You know I hate you, don’t you? D’you know why I hate you tonight? A veritable CORNUCOPIA of reasons, my little we-all-hate-new-twitter-ed friend and I will lay them out for you.
Firstly, it’s Friday, twitter. A night when we should all be getting our gladrags on (not our swag. Oh no.) and getting ready for a night of carousing worthy of the wildest Marseilles port bar. Not sitting following @AGTrendSite waiting for the trend to be announced and then hitting that keyboard like a psycho journalist on a deadline just to get something to trend. Not cool.
Secondly yet again I had to deal with the Cave Dwelling Number Cruncher. My eyes do not have enough muscles in them to be worthy of the ocular rolls that this induces. I seriously do not understand a word that freak says. Anyway, they thought that AidenGrimshaw would trend and showed me all sorts of weird paraphernalia to back up their claims. Honest to god, TWITTTAAAAAH, they either need a hobby or a night out with me at the Beverley Hills hotel because the nonsense that they find exciting BORES ME RIGID. I told Cave Dweller that there was no way it would trend, because I know you and your quirksy ways twitter, BECAUSE WE GRIMLINGS ARE ON THE COALFACE GDMNIT, but then they just started droning on and I switched off, twitter, I did. My ears were as of stone.
Which leads me to my third point twitter. Freak was right. Here at @AGTrendSite Towers we were a bit worried about this trend. Big Boss Who Writes On The Twitter Page was on the wine at 5.30. Cave Dwelling Number Cruncher was gibbering into the stats sheets chanting something about “The Wanted, Rugby AND 1D? And Bieber coming up the trends”. I wasn’t worried, as I was mentally in my happy place of a darkened movie theatre in the Pigalle. 6 o’clock came, and damn if the Grimlings didn’t STOMP ALL OVER YOUR SCRAGGY DERRIERE. Trended by 6.30 and twitter YOU ASS you then brought out the big gun. The Capo di Capo. The Tutti di Frutti. The Geeky di Geeki. @mr_grimshaw himself. But he stymied you, TWIITTTAAAAH, like the ninja that he is. He acknowledged the trend. TWICE!
And do you know what else twitter? Us Grimlings kept on trending even through @mr_grimshaw’s tweetfest, stitch that twitter, stitch that.
Well, that’s me. See you tomorrow twitter. And WE’LL BE LOADED FOR BEAR!
Not saving all my love for you, twitter, you can be sure of that.
An open letter to twitter
What are you playing at? Rugby, Football, telly, Britney and we still trend in just over 20 minutes? What are you after? It’s scary, twitter, don’t mind saying that. It’s got me suspicious. Haven’t felt this suspicious since I was holding 2 Kings and 3 Kings came up in the flop in an illegal gambling club in Penang. It’s disconcerting. It’s distressing. It’s disquieting. I’d even say it’s discombobulating. What do you want?
Do you want us to stop trending? Ain’t gonna happen you spanner until we get that lovely confirmation that he’s signed. WHERE IS OUR CONFIRMATION!!!!! WHY IS HE NOT SIGNED!!!! WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYING TWITTAAAAAAH!!
Anyway, not only did we trend in double-quick time twitter, we went Worldwide. Worldwide. Har-de-har-blooming-har. Looked good there too. Grimlings like it.
So, we like this running words together stuff. The deliberate misspelling of the words was fair getting on our grits. However like the good little Grimlings that we are we dealt with it. No more. We will move on from lacerating the language to puncturing the punctuation. WE DON’T CARE! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO US TWITTER.
Anyway, just to give you fair warning you old bellicose bratsy one, we’re coming back tomorrow AT 5 O’CLOCK. Set your alarm clock twitter, and clear a space in that TT box because we are on our way.
Love comes quickly, twitter, but not as quickly as a Grimling on a trending mission
We’re not allowed to mention the t-word any more.
You scare people. Not in a Oh-jeezy-chreezy-there’s-an-deranged-monkey-with-a-bazooka-in-my-wardrobe kind of way, but in a “walking down the street and OH FFS IT’S A CLOWN!” kind of way.
Big Boss was on the wine AGAIN, going as far as to replace the milk in her Frosties with Lambrusco; and Cave Dweller was casting nervous glances at her Kryten figurine and rubbing its lucky foot whilst chanting, “By the power of Weird Science, please let us beat the football”. Get Aiden Signed Towers was not a happy place today. I, meanwhile, am not scared of you. I have faced down Off Duty Stevedores in dive bars in Palm Beach – nothing scares me.
Although I have to admit I wasn’t doing the Ranting Writer Patented Jig Of Joy when I saw the Trending Topics List at 6.00. (I don’t do the Ranting Writer Patented Jig Of Joy very often, if truth be told. The last time was a very, very mad night out on the Embarcadero). I didn’t recognize half the names, but Cave Dweller was spouting percentages and by the tone of their voice and the beads of sweat gathering attractively at the end of their nose I was surmising that things weren’t good.
But worries had I none, twitter, for we had the power of the Grimlings on our side. They had been called to rally to the cause, and rally to the cause they did. ONLY THE HIGHEST OPENING PERCENTAGE FOR WEEKS, TWITTTTAAAAAH, FOR WEEKS!! Our timelines twinkled with the wishes of the Grimlings to SignGrimshaw, and pretty soon so did the Trending Topics, and it stayed there until…
BY THE POWER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY TWITTER, WT-EVERLOVING-F ARE YOU PLAYING AT? In the sporting parlance you are so fond of, you can’t move the bloody goalposts in the middle of the freaking game! Trending topics changed more often than Katy Perry’s outfits at an awards show. Now we saw it, then we didn’t. Oh look it’s back – oh for crying out loud you evil son-of-a-byte – it was gone again.
Do you know what twitter? Stick it in your ear. Stick it anywhere you want. TWICE. I care not. We trended fairly and squarely, and no amount of cheating or malarkey on your part can change that. Make the trending topics huge, make them small. Make them all hashtags, make them in the secret language of freaking unicorns if you want, twitter, and we will still trend. Because we are Grimlings. We dealt with our guy being put in crap slots every week. We dealt with the horrific disappointment and utter frickwittery of the tour-that-never-was (that one still hurts, twitter, still hurts). We’re dealing with not knowing if he’s got a record deal (although our hearts say he is). We can deal with a bit of twitter tweaking on your part. Bring it on. Bring it on with a marching band if you want. See you tomorrow.
Where is the love, twitter, where is the love. Nowhere near you, that’s for sure.
So, what did you get your toothless granny for Christmas? Treacle Toffee? Bet you go up to babies, show them rattles, bounce them off the mothers’ head and then walk away. Eat sweeties in front of kids in the dentists? Probably a day out for you, twitter. Because you twitter, are most definitely a bag of rats.
We followed your stupid rules twitter, and SignASG trended. Trended quite nicely in fact. And then fell off the face of the earth two minutes before @MrsTapster came onto twitter to do her Q&A.
You’re funny twitter. Haha-sterical. Remind me never to leave impressionable young minds in your vicinity whenever the words “Father” and “Christmas” are mentioned. No idea what the fallout to that one would be.
Anyway, you were stymied my dear twitter. Grimlings are not some Dory-like creature who can be distracted by someone shouting, “Oooh shiny”. We kept on trending, and lo and bebloody hold did it not re-appear and then climb up the TTs – even when the q&a was going on. Hoo and indeed HAH!
But then, twitter, you did it again. Cave Dwelling Number Cruncher emerged from their lair, blinking as the light hit their face for the first time in ne’er a long while. Skin peeling from their visage as it hit natural light, they were gibbering into their printouts. Something about “aiden” possibly hitting the trending topics on a low percentage – hashtagged. After I finished pointing and laughing and rolled her back into her cave – STONE ME – up popped #askaidensmum in TTs – a simultaneous double trend. Our joy at this first was tempered by our WTF at seeing it in the TTs.
The considered opinion of the best minds in the Social Media business, twitter, is “Crocked if we know”. No clue. Perhaps because we haven’t trended his actual name since the beginning of January, but that’s just a guess. Perhaps a Grimling was behind the decks at twitter towers. Perhaps the massive Spambot Attack that you suffered earlier today twitter (yeah, real shame that. Maria Carey FGS) meant you had to reboot and we snuck in. Don’t know, don’t care because WE. WERE. THERE TWITTTAAAAAAHHH!!
So that my dear twitter is that. SIMULTANEOUS DOUBLE TREND!
All you need is love, but you need a catastrophic collapse of the internet, twitter, to keep the Grimlings off the TTs.
I’m not happy. I’m never happy, to be fair, my default setting is mild rampage, but I have moved past that to full on turmoil and ire. What are you playing at? Half an hour for SignGrrimshaw against rock steady trends? I’m suspicious. I am. WHAT THE HELL CAN I RAGE AGAINST?
If I can’t rage, twitter, I am nothing. A shell. An empty rotten husk of a being. You even had me agreeing with that freak Cave Dweller today, twitter, and that is a calumny that cannot be easily forgiven. The Ying is all fricked up against the Yang. There is no balance.
If you keep up this twitter, Grimlings might get complacent. Is that what you want TWITTTAAAAHHH? Because it won’t happen. We know we are just approaching the halfway stage, twitter, in what shall be known in years to come as The Winter of Trending Topics. When we are listening to @mr_grimshaw’s album in years to come, we will be thinking, “Did that really happen? Did we consistently mug twitter off for all those times”. And the answer will be a resounding YES.
Our aim is true, and getting nearer. Nearly halfway twitter, so start setting aside some server space for the Grimling explosion that will happen when he gets signed. When, not if, you grotbag of a Social Media Platform.
See you tomorrow, twitter. And the next day. And the next day. In fact, just keep expecting us.
You always hurt the one you love twitter, but we hurt you ’cause you annoy us.
What do you want me to say? Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa? (Oh yes, I can bring the Latin. Blooming linguist me). Well you’ll be waiting a long time. There’s me ranting about how easy you’ve been making it recently, so you went all out tonight didn’t you? You didn’t just yank the rug out from underneath our feet; you rolled us in it, threw it in the back of the car and drove us over the border to Tijuana.
It was a perfect storm. You very kindly gave us our timelines back in time for trending, but god that was all you did twitter. Olly Murs doing a Ustream, Gaga, Britney, The Wanted, Zayn from 1D going on a following mission (and we will gloss over the fact that there were Grimling trending for 1D as everyone is allowed a day off, but fergoodnesssakes Grimlings, mow your own lawn before you cut someone else’s grass, you feel me?), the Warriors going for a support trend (discretion prevents us commenting here, twitter) a new Strokes song being released for download, the sad breakdown of a young marriage, an England game yadda yadda breakdown yadda. When Big Boss tweeted earlier that they were worried twitter, they weren’t kidding. It wasn’t a “wind up the Grimlings and watch them go” tweet; it was a “get some cheese and biccies beside that computer folks because you are there for the night” tweet. Normally, the only all-nighters I get involved in contain alcohol, sailors, and a beach party on the Copacabana coast. Imagine my disquiet.
But, TWITTTTTAAAAAHHHH, that came to naught. Again the Grimlings came together and went b-a-n-a-n-a-s tweeting . Smaller trends were cast aside like broken toys as AGRecordDeal entered the Trending Topics. It sat at the bottom of the TTs, twitter, and then like Katy Perry and her lovely Firework it SHOT to the top of the TTs. Lovely stuff.
It may not have stayed there long, twitter, but it was there, shining like the beacon it is. WHEN NOT IF, twitter, when not if.
Love may be all you need, twitter, but you need to be bloody quick to hold back a Grimling on a mission.
How are things? Good? Good. Things here are just peachy. I’d even go as far as to say they are quintessentially phantasmagorical (got those right even without spellchecker. How’d ya like me now?).
I have decided something twitter, and I shall share it with you. You may feel honoured and proud that I am sharing the bounty of my mind with you, my little user-content-driven friend. I have come to the conclusion that we Grimlings don’t like things handed to us on a plate, we only value things if they are worked hard for.
Yesterday, when we should have been battering trends out of the way with pitchforks and sledgehammers in our need to get onto the TTs, we popped up in 16 minutes. Grimlings came from everywhere and whacked SignAidenGrimshaw into the TTs. It shot to the top, and also went Worldwide. Worldbleedingwide. We worked hard on that one twitter, and you caved. Changed the TTs box half way through as well. That’s a personal favourite of mine, twitter, love it when you do that. It’s the social media equivalent of saying “It’s my ball and I’m going home”.
Well, twitter, you can take your ball and shove it. Seriously. Did you realise what yesterday was? HALFWAY TRENDING POINT! Now that should make Grimlings either groan with despair or be delirious with happiness. Me? I went delirious with happiness and went ON THE RAMPAGE! Can’t remember much, but I appear to have a Pulse Cardiff cloakroom ticket in my pocket and a massive great poster of Aiden Grimshaw from I know not where so I’m guessing it was a night of majestic proportions. When I go back to get my coat I’ll find out. Unless I swapped it for booze (as has happened before on a legendary night out with Wildcatters in Alaska. Loved that coat).
Anyway twitter, what I am saying is that Grimlings have worked hard to get to this halfway point. Jails, whales, tour fails, false fan bails, computer derails, cancellation voicemails, Ticketweb emails – all have been battered away by the fierce determination of the Grimling trender. We know that we have trended for 59 days so can easily do 59 more. (yeah, when I say easily, that all depends on what fiendish japes and jests you put in our way twitter.) Cave Dweller thinks that there is something “off” about the TTs today and is looking into it. Well, I say “looking into it”, I mean that Cave Dweller and the geeky band of freaks that she calls “colleagues” are all pretending to talk into their Star Trek badges and asking each other what they think is wrong. Thank the lord I’m still drunk from Pulse or I would find their behaviour ever-so-slightly-wearing. And apparently Big Boss is looking for me as I was meant to write this letter last night. I did.
Misses a few of the nuances of my normal letter, but still captures the mood I feel.
Can you feel the love tonight twitter? No! Because there is none. None whatsoever. (Oh and of you could have a chat with your server pals at Ticketweb and tell them to cork sending out the same message in about a thousand different ways, that’d be DANDY!)
Late again. I’m getting the side-eye from Big Boss and The Cave Dweller, but to be honest, CARES HAVE I NONE! Yesterday we hit 70 and 60 and sat in the TTs for an AGE. It sat there for so long twitter that I couldn’t hang about – things to do, people to see, rants to rant. You know how it is.
Today, twitter, I have nothing to rant about. Nothing. Nada. Niks. Walang anuman. All is peachy happy and roundly wondrous in Ranting Writer land. Big Boss may be about to sack me but I can just get onto Majestic and have a shipping container of wine sent round and that will sort them out. Cave Dweller can be shut up with a couple of Pepperami and a Blakes 7 Annual from 1980 so all will be well in the Troglodyte Territory.
What to do today? Turns out I didn’t swap my jacket for booze so might head back to Pulse to pick up my outerwear. That could get messy again, so better stock up on the Andrews Liver Salts and find out where the nearest MaccyDs is.
Looking forward to the trend tonight. Think it’s going to be a hard one tonight so I am building up the gall and bile so it can be released in a massive stream of RAAAAARRR twitter. RARARARARARARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR. Like that. Do you like that? Because I don’t like you. We’re a crotchety old 70 now twitter so I can say what I want.
It must be love twitter, but not for you. No love for you – although our hearts did melt a little due to the stay in the TTs last night. More of that whenever you’re ready TWITTER!
Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday Night’s alright. Alright for a bit of trrrrrrrrrrrending. Did you see us tonight? Like little ninjas we were. After a bit of confusion at the beginning (you’d have loved it twitter. A full glass of Cab Sav was thrown in the air as Big Boss got down from their ornately carved throne and ran towards Cave Dweller’s rocky home. Cave Dweller was shouting, “I saw the tweet!” as the little fingers danced on that keyboard and numbers were flying up the screen like The Matrix) the trend took off. 38 minutes. Not bad at all twitter. Not bad.
So, AmazingAidenG was in the Trending Topics. 71st Aiden related trend that was. And I hope that you notice, dear twitter, that my letter to you is on time tonight. Yep, after a hard hour trending at the tweetface I sit down here, in my rococo shrine to all that is louche and licentious, dictating this to a trained capuchin. Once that is done I shall take my leave, twitter, flitting out into the night armed only with a credit card and a winning smile. The world is my oyster and tonight I plan to take advantage. May even stop for a kebab from the roachcoach on the way home, twitter, because I am THAT ROCK AND ROLL.
Love, love me do, twitter, for you know we abhor you. See you tomorrow, twitter.
Have you ever witnessed Cave Dweller running? No? It’s not a pretty sight, twitter, I can tell you. Sitting in front of the computer geeking out all day has atrophied their little hermit muscles. One small troglodyte leg is going for the shopping and the other one is coming back with the change. A sight to behold.
Anyway, twitter, said running was on show tonight. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT TWITTER. Sunday trending is, to be quite honest with you my portal-into-the-mind-of-strangers, a right royal pain in my already painful from a Kaboom Pants tattoo ass.
Not only did we have to contend with an early trend again, the TTs were full of JLS trends. Then 1D came on AGAIN to trend at the same time as us, and then we were treated to @mr_grimshaw. But we Grimlings are nothing if not tenacious, so off we went.
Cave Dweller wasn’t expecting us to trend until 5.40 because we didn’t have the numbers so I was plodding away, trending as per usual when all of a sudden the alarms at Get Aiden Signed Towers started ringing and the security shutters started coming down. Big Boss came blitzing down the stairs just as the Cave Dweller appeared doing their previously alluded to Comedy Run.
Cave Dweller’s face was as pale as, well normal really. They see the sun so rarely that it’s amazing they haven’t evolved mole-like features. Frantically waving a printout they finally spat out the word, “BLOCKED!” from their freakishly flapping mouth.
Big Boss and Cave Dweller then pored over the printout. All compound words like WeNeedAidenGAlbum had disappeared from the TTs in the refresh. YOU STOLE THEM FROM US TWITTER LIKE THE SNEAKISH SNEAKY SNEAK THAT YOU ARE!
Cave Dweller and Big Boss then got tore into each other. It was like Ultimate Cage Warrior without the cage, twitter. Or the warriors. In fact it wasn’t even ultimate. Big Boss wanted to break out the Emergency Trend, Cave Dweller wanted the TTs to go through two refreshes before announcing the Emergency Trend. Big Boss didn’t want Grimlings to keep trending an impossible trend while Cave Dweller was sure that it would come back. My blood pressure was going through the roof and it was lucky that I didn’t want to ruin the hand-tooled leather on my exquisite Milanese shoes by BOOTING MY FOOT THROUGH THE COMPUTER SCREEN.
Finally Big Boss made the executive decision to run the Emergency Trend. Cave Dweller looked like a puppy with the last Bonio snatched right out of their mouth as Big Boss tweeted the Emergency Trend. Then, TWITTER YOU PSYCHO SWAMPBEAST, you refreshed the TTs and there was our lovely WeNeedAidenGAlbum. Cave Dweller pulled their Tshirt over their head and ran around the room in a football style celebration (and, twitter, if I ever have to see a sight like that again I am coming down to your server farm and booting every server until it’s granulated silicon, hand-tooled leather or no. Friendly warning, twitter, friendly warning).
Then it was Big Boss’s turn for the blood to drain from their face. Panicked tweeting set in as they rescinded the Emergency Trend and then tweeted everybody using Sigh Naiden. By that point twitter I had picked up my ceremonial sword (a gift from some sailors I met in a Yokohama karaoke bar. Now THAT was a night) and was heading off into the night to search for your power supply. Luckily the security shutters were still down, twitter, or you would be hitting Compare The Market looking for a new electricity supplier YES YOU BLOODY WELL WOULD TWITTER YOU WOULD OH YES BECAUSE I HATES YOU TWITTER WITH THE HATE THAT ONLY 62 DAYS OF CONSTANT TRENDING WHEN THE TRENDING TOPICS ARE CONSTANTLY CHANGING TO THWART US AND ALL WE WANT TO DO TWITTER IS HAVE FUN AND TREND GOOD STUFF FOR MR GRIMSHAW AND WHY CANT YOU SEE THAT TWITTER YOU EVIL SON OF A VIRUS RIDDEN COCKROACH INFESTED BINARY INFUSED PROGRAMME!!!!!!!!
(For crying out loud, take a breath before your eyeballs pop right out of your skull)
Ahhh, that’s better. I feel better for that, twitter, yes I do. See you tomorrow. Don’t be expecting a card or chocolates tomorrow, just loads of Grimlings ready to trend their little Bunny Ears off. LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY TWIITTTTTTAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!
Will you still love me tomorrow, twitter? To be honest, I.could.not.care.less. For we are one day nearer, twitter, one day nearer. WHEN NOT IF!
What. A. Day. As you can guess me and a day of love, romance and joy towards my fellow man are never gonna be close. In fact if I could get away with it I would spend the day giving people little notes saying, “YOU SUCK” but it has been pointed out to me by people who actually do possess a modicum of social grace that this would be bad. So instead I just strapped on my “I hate the world” boots and set my face to ASSKICKING and ventured into the world.
Well, when I say “world” I of course mean “Get Aiden Signed Towers”. What a bloody nightmare of a place it is today, twitter. Cave Dweller has decked the place out with hearts and Logan’s Run posters and I have had to endure “Now That’s What Geeks Call Love Songs” playing through the speakers. I swear to all that is holy, twitter, I am feeling the need to ritually sacrifice a unicorn just to restore balance to the Ranting Writer Universe.
Love is in the air apparently. @mr_grimshaw has changed his facebook status to “Married to the Grimlings”. And twitter, did we not burst our little fingers to the calloused bones tonight to trend AdoreGrimshaw. TWITTER, the thing that really burns me is that today, the day of love, the day of romance, the day that I hate above all days, Cupid’s horrific little arrow seems to have buried itself in you too. WHAT AM I IF I CANNOT HATE YOU TWITTER? WHERE IS MY ID, MY EGO, MY SELF-WORTH IF YOU LOVE US?
Eleven minutes to trend twitter? The Grimlings liked that. Within 5 minutes of the trend starting we knew it was going to be a good one; Cave Dweller was virtually trilling a happy song and Big Boss upgraded the Bolly to Cristalle. Half an hour it took to go Worldwide. There’s not much I like in life outside of a right good night out just off the Orchard Road in Singapore but by god I do enjoy a Worldwide trend. Fairly upgrades my mood from stroppy to slightly surly.
So there you are twitter, there you are. A Happy Valentine’s Day for all the Grimlings, and you behaved yourself. You went from being the really annoying drunk uncle who we spend all night avoiding to the slightly irritating younger cousin who we’d love to chinese burn into oblivion. Tomorrow we expect more of the same twitter, or I’ll be back with my “I hate the world” boots and will be stomping, yes I will.
No love songs for you tonight twitter as even the thought of love songs tonight makes my cortex bleed. WHEN NOT IF TWITTER!
Ladies and gentlemen, we present today’s open letter to twitter.
Seriously. Can we have a word? Just a little chitchat here in the confines of the internet? Are you sad, twitter? Lonely? Craving attention? I don’t understand, I really don’t. You have 105 million users, twitter. 105 MILLION. That’s a lot. I know loads of people and I can’t even come close to that many. (well, when I say “know” I mean “have shouted at”).
So, we are not vain enough to think that our 6 o’clock activities have any bearing on your user parameters as a whole, twitter. Oh no, we know our place. BUT TWITTER COULD YOU THROW US A FREAKING BONE PLEASE.
We might be talking complete and utter tish and tosh, but surely one of the prerequisites of hitting Trending Topics is that Trending Topics actually be open for business? Or are we just letting loose with the crazy talk, twitter? Cave Dweller spotted that TTs were broken first thing in the morning and kept an eye on it all day. At 5 pm when I casually rolled in from my day’s excitement over in the Pigalle, Cave Dweller and Big Boss were twitching over the printouts, making phone calls to their colleagues in The Geek Freak Team to try to find out what was wrong. At 5.45 it was obvious that trying to hit TTs was like trying to carve a diamond with a marshmallow; it was never gonna happen.
Twitter, you played a blinder there. Big Boss was hunched over the keyboard at 6, staring wide-eyed at the screen after postponing the trend. Cave Dweller was rocking and nervously clutching their Jabba the Hut McDonald’s Toy. They were dessicated shells, twitter, and you did that. Then an amazing thing happened. One tweet came in to @AGTrendSite saying, “actually, I can see trends on echofon”. A germ of an idea formed between us. We tweeted out and more info came back that trends were visible on iPhones and iPad. The idea got bigger, and then finally we received a tweet saying that old twitter was showing trends.
Gotta be honest with you twitter, I was out of it by then. My Emergency Room had been prepared (an indoor bouncy castle) and I was flung in it with not a care for personal decency or dignity. Big Boss and Cave Dweller were doing their touchy-feely mature discussion crap, should-we-go-for-it-what-if-it-doesnt-work back and forth when I lost it and sent the trained Capuchin into ATTACK mode and they pressed the button which launched the trend.
And how. We were all literally tweeting in the dark and 17 minutes later up popped LoveForGrimshaw in the TTs. It was nice to see the other half of Maiden there as well (although it would have been nice to see TTs full blinking stop TWITTTTAAAAAAH!) and we didst celebrate oh yes. Especially when it went Worldwide. You know how we feel about that, oh yes we like.
How long did it stay there then, twitter? No I’m serious – once I was freed from my soft and bouncy safety room I was out in the world like a dog chasing budgies and set target for the Brits After Party. Unfortunately I was denied entry due to my extreme wonderfulness so spent the evening frequenting much more salubrious establishments. I seem to have come home minus a shoe (and you know how I love my hand-tooled shoes twitter) but plus some rather elaborate looking keys and the number of a boathouse. I was playing cards so lord alone knows what I have been gambling with.
Anyway twitter, Cave Dweller says TTs are honked tonight as well, so see you later for more fun and games. Yes we’re coming back. Last night we escaped as all the record execs were out on their annual jolly. Tonight we’ll be back again. WHEN NOT IF TWITTER.
No more love songs for you twitter.
Oh twitter. Twitter twitter twitter twitter. I’m tired. Really tired. One can’t keep living this constant party lifestyle and constant trending at 6 without losing a tiny bit of je ne sais quoi. Seeing as me on a good day is the equivalent of a Rottweiler being poked by a sharp stick, me on a bad day leads to chaos and carnage.
The bouncy castle safe room has been kept on standby today. To be honest with you twitter I just was not in the mood. Cave Dweller was banging on and on and on about the Trending Topics until in the end I just rolled the rock back over their cave door and left them to it. Big Boss was being their normal self by constantly asking “Are you ready for tonight? Are you ready for tonight? Do you think we’ll be ready for tonight?” This repetitive nonsense was burrowing into my brain so I threw them a Majestic Wine Catalogue which shut them up for a bit. Even Marcellaux, my faithful Capuchin monkey companion was annoying me today twitter, which just goes to show that today was not a good day to be Ranting Writer. This is unusual, as I start every day by looking in the mirror and thinking, “Yep, still AWESOME!”
So, I was not full of the jollies by the time 6.00 rolled round. I sat at the computer, ready to trend, and lo and behold, I was moved by the power. The Power of the LOVE, TWITTER. LoveAidenGrimshaw started filling my timeline, and again Grimlings were funny and charming and silly and jokey with their tweets and I cheered up to the level of a glowering simmer. We had no idea if it would hit the TTs but with the level of tweets we knew that if you were playing fair, twitter, it should be hitting the TTs hard. AND IT DID TWIIITTTTTAAAAAHHH! Then of course it went Worldwide. LOVE IT. LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT.
So, another day, another trending topic success under our belt. We’ve been sharing these letters for a while, twitter, and I’ll be writing again tomorrow. Another day closer to the day we’ve been trending for WHEN NOT IF TWITTER, WHEN NOT IF.
See you tomorrow twitter
I HATES YOU TWITTTTTAAAAAAHHHHHH.
“Why?”, I hear the Quiff Team cry. Because twitter, you hideous techbeast, while on the surface all looked rosy and happy happy pretty kittens, behind the scenes you were all horrible horrible knife wielding scary clown. Oh yes you were and you know it. So bad in fact that we nearly had to cancel the trend attempt.
YES QUIFF TEAM ‘TWAS THAT BAD! What happens is Big Boss tweets the link to the trend on this site, then I, deep in my louche and licentious lair, search for the trend on twitter and RT the first five. Simple, oh twitter. Except this time – nothing came up. NOTHING! YOU WERE HIDING THE TREND TWITTTTAAAAHH!
Of course, as you know twitter, if it doesn’t come up in search then it won’t hit TTs. The diamond/marshmallow analogy comes out to play again. I sent my trusty companion Marcellaux the Capuchin Monkey to the Cave Dweller with a message, as I sat raving at the injustice of it all. The Bouncy Castle Safe Room looked as if it yet again would be my refuge in times of trouble.
Cave Dweller was on the case though. Give them their due, they may be a bit too fond of jokes involving binary and CSS code, but when we shine the Trend in Trouble searchlight they are as hot as a Jamaican Chilli. Cave Dweller found the trend was showing up in search on tweetdeck, IE and on mobile devices, but on Firefox it was if it never existed. After 10 minutes it started showing up on Firefox but was 8 minutes behind. After another 10 minutes, twitter, it caught up and then eventually KABOOM there MusicFromGrimshaw was on TTs. It didn’t go Worldwide but it was Thursday, twitter, and we don’t know why but The Quiff Team always struggles on a Thursday. WHYYYYYYYYYY????????????
So that was last night twitter. We trenders have a new name, given to us by MrsTapster, and we are all excited by the start of the tour. It’s given us a new lease of life and we are ready for more trending. Now more than ever we believe that it’s WHEN NOT IF TWITTTTAAAAAHHH!!
See you tonight twitter. and tomorrow night. and the night after that. Just keep expecting us. And knock all your tricksyness on the head, of one would be so kind.
Not one iota of love
The Quiff Team
My darling sweet beloved lovely twitter
How are you today my dearest friend? I cherish you. You are precious to me. I worship the wireless that you download on.
For, my revered sweet information provider, last night you were amazing. Did we trend last night? What is trending? Who am I? Where am I? Where have the thoughts in my head gone?
Everything bad, everything hideous, everything sneaky and tricksy has been forgiven twitter. The slate has been wiped clean. I will say two words that will immediately make this astounding change in fortunes clear. Something that you publicised last night for all the Grimlings
Yes. @mr_grimshaw’s first magazine cover goes on sale on Wednesday but we were treated to a sneak preview last night via twitter. And what a preview it was. Very aesthetically pleasing it was too. That is what you should be doing, twitter, and that is what we expect to see today with loads of tour goodness. Crack on with that twitter and the love shall continue.
See you tonight twitter. Loads of love
Ahem – trend review? Seeing as that is what we give you this space for?
We trended Grimshaw Music. It was epic
Before we hand over to Ranting Writer, we just want to say a few things. Might get soppy, but indulge us.
Yesterday was the start of the tour. Away back at the beginning of January, Jambobee tweeted thanking the Grimlings for the support and saying keep it up until the tour. Got to be honest, as Twitter Geeks we had our doubts whether this was possible. Beliebers and Glamberts had done long trends, but they were constant and with an incredible numbers of fans. UK fans had never done anything of this scale before.
Well, Grimlings are nothing if not innovative. Twitter has been worked around and loopholed on ways that are both funny and new. Grimlings have scooted round the problems in numbers to make sure that every day shortly after 6 there is a support trend for @mr_grimshaw in the Trending Topics. Every single trend has been started by fans – every one. Although sometimes we have been staring at Mr Gs feed and saying PLEASE START A TREND PLEASE! there is something amazing about the fact that all trends have been fan started and fan supported.
The double trends and triple trends are just great. Although the “OMG We have xx more days of this don’t use up trends” sensible head wants to keep the trends to one a day, the Aiden fan head is cheering “You beauty – check that out!”. Cave Dweller thinks the secret to our success is the fact that we trend quickly, we trend at the same time, we trend in numbers, we don’t try to hog the trends and that we change the trend every day, which keeps the algorithms fresh and all us Grimlings interested.
At 6 o’clock every night. we put the trend into search and watch something different happening. At 6 we see Grimlings come together. We all have our little groups, and as each of us involved in the site follow so many Grimlings on our personal accounts, we have a good idea of who they are. But at 6 o’clock you all go mad, RTing each other, tweeting people that you don’t normally tweet, passing little comments from group to group, sharing injokes and little sayings. The trending may have one purpose (SIGN AIDEN GRIMSHAW) but a great side effect is that for an hour we are all having a laugh with each other, finding new people to follow and sharing our thoughts. That’s what changes us from a fangroup into a community.
There are a few people involved in this site and I’d just like to say a quick thanks to them for nursing me and this site along to the start of the tour. The biggest thanks goes to the users of this site and the followers of @AGTrendSite. Thanks for trusting us. Thanks for trending. Thanks for keeping it going until the tour. This trending has never been done before and we doubt whether it will again
You really are a horrible evil little hornbeast aren’t you. I was nice to you NICE. That word is not in my vocabulary. In fact, my computer red-squiggily lines it I use it so infrequently. I laid my heart on the line. Only did that once before and it ended messily. One of us went to Casualty and one of us went to jail. The food was the same for both of us.
I wont be making that mistake again, I tell you. The day started so well, with a great early morning trend of GoodLuckAiden. We take no credit for that one GRIMLINGS RULE. In fact I was happily carousing and knew nothing about it.
So, the evening trend was meant to be fun. Do you remember fun twitter, or has dealing with all the haterz who use you for evil beaten out of you? We were trending for fun and giggles, but you didn’t like that, did you? You’d already blocked our mic stand fun, did you have to carry that on? What the hell was wrong with you TWITTATTATATTAHHHH? WellDoneGrimshaw was a decent trend, although we didn’t have the numbers it should have trended. Usually you let us hit TTs as soon as the Emergency Trend is posted, but last night you let us sweat. We had changed to Quifftastic for a good few minutes before WellDoneGrimshaw popped up. At that point we all ripped up the rulebook and then twitter AND THEN it backfired on you, didn’t it you horrible crackpot? We trended both. BOTH. On a fun trend that we didn’t even have to do. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE BESTED?
Anyway, after a night spent in my safe room away from all human targets, I mean contact, I feel better twitter, yes I do. Ready to blast the trend tonight. Ready to smash it as well as Mr G is smashing the tour. Because all the videos and pictures have made us all realise that it is indeed WHEN NOT IF. It’s great to see. And nothing that you do twitter will stop it. NOTHING.
Stick your love where the sun don’t shine twitter and clear the TTs at 5. Because we’re gonna be back for our 81st trend attempt
The Grimling Quiff Team
Monday Vote For The Trend is here
Before Ranting Writer goes off on their nightly flight into the land of random capitalisation and incoherent word structure, another thank you. Thanks for all your tweets, comments and anonymous feedback regarding Saturday’s trend review. On top of the amazing Mad World performance from Birmingham, it seems to have touched a nerve with a lot of you. Much love x
I can’t be bothered any more. Seriously. You can take your Trending Topics and shove them right up your binary code. We hit them with GrimshawsVoice (a bloody CRACKER of a trend if you ask me; but you don’t, twitter) and then you unceremoniously kicked it out, just after we tweeted it. (Yeah, if you could stop stalking our feed and making us look like a pile of arses we’d appreciate it) Yet again Grimlings were called as if to war and whacked it back into the trends and above some of the hashtagged trends. When will you learn twitter?
It’s at times like these I think back to a happy night spent in a yurt in Dornogovi. Not for any reason other than it was a happy night spent in a yurt in Dornogovi. That was the night I won my faithful Capuchin companion Marcellaux in a card game. I love Marcellaux. He can take dictation and mix a FANTASTIC apple martini. Just telling you all this twitter so that you know how LITTLE I shall be caring in the future. I shall be laughing at you as you try and bar us from the trends. LAUGHING AS I HATES YOU WITH MY PASSIONS.
For GrimshawsVoice keeps us going. Nobody thought we could keep up this trending until the tour. Gotta be honest, the thought of 75 more days of trending had me frantically kicking the footpump that blows up my safe room, yes it did. But tomorrow, tomorrow we hit 70 days. 70 – and suddenly the end of the tour is not that far away and we have loads of trends still to use and we know that we can do it.
So TWITTAH you can love me or leave me and let me be lonely, we’ll be trending tomorrow.
The Grimling Quiff Team
Big Boss Wine Drinker’s Review
I missed the start of Grimlings trending #itsagrimshawthing. The site rule is don’t interfere with trends on the go, and family trends take precedence. MrsT’s lovely tweet to the Grimlings, and all your fantastic tweets about MrG meant that I did not want this trend to fail. In my opinion it didn’t. Remember what we said the other night about us becoming an online community? Well we saw that big style with this hashtag. It may not have hit the trending topics but I don’t think it was a waste. I saw so many new Grimlings, and non-trending Grimlings participating, and the trending Grimlings as well. The “things that were Grimshaw” were funny and real and show why we are all fans. How could that be thought of as a waste of time?
Once the percentages started showing that it wasn’t going to hit TTs despite the high percentages, we saw Grimlings getting antsy. That led to changing the trend to ItsAGrimshawThing
Cave Dwelling Number Cruncher’s Review
Hello real people! I am communicating to real people and not computers! Very exciting. So, once I’d started crunching the high percentages we were getting and the trends coming up and saw that the hashtag wasn’t trending (due I think to “grimshaw” being included within a hashtag) I said to BigBoss to move to ItsAGrimshawThing. The numbers that I saw made me think it was going to be a 10-15 minute trend until we hit TTs. Once that passed without hitting TTs I started running software to find out why. Then I started analysing the trending topics by city and country and it became clear that the only compound words that were trending were UberTwitter, UberSocial and LeBron – all “proper” names or words.
So, we had to make the decision to go to the Emergency Trend. As our Emergency Trend was a compound word as well it was a frantic running random words through the software until we picked A1den Sings.
That’s when it started getting interesting. ItsAGrimshawThing hit WW TT without hitting UK trends. Then A1den Sings was bouncing between UK and WW trends. This was so unusual that an even more unusual thing happened – one of my fellow Twitter Geeks actually picked up a phone and used their voice. IM is normally my only friend. They wanted to know how Grimlings were doing it.
I think THINK THINK THINK that it may have something to do with a change in Twitter’s API. I can’t work out anything else. Perhaps Grimshaw has been totally stripped of the novelty algorithm in the UK only? We are all learning here, and by the time this is finished Grimlings will be trending experts.
Ranting Writer’s Trend Review
O RLY? RLY TWITTER????????
Another rule of the site is no profanity and no hatez. Gonna be a short trend review.
It’s empty in the valley of your heart, twitter, and it ain’t too full in mine either at the moment. WHATINTHEEVERLOVINGNAMEOFALLTHATISHOLY was tonight about? That trend left the orbit of Planet Normal, circled the Unusual Nebula a few times and then shot off in the direction of the WTF Galaxy. We were sitting here pleased that it had trended but confused as all hell as to how it had happened. Tweets were flying to @AGTrendSite, to our personal accounts, and Cave Dweller even used a phone. Weird night, twitter, weird night.
So, we thought you’d blocked compound words, but then later we saw loads of compound word trends. What is that all about. WE ARE NICE PEEPLEZ. Not 100% of the time, but mostly we are. We tell you when we are coming, we don’t outstay our welcome and WE ARE CONSIDERATE GUESTS TWITTTTATATATTATATAAAAAAHHH. All this algorithm crap that Cave Dweller bangs on about gets right on my left one, it does twitter. Just chuck it in the bin, let us hit TTs and then we’ll be on our way. BishyBashyBoshy.
Because you know that we’ll be back tomorrow. We’re not going to stop now. We’re not trending because we like our blood pressure to rise to uncontrollable levels, our dinners to be burnt, our pets to be unwalked, our keyboards to be fired through windows. We’re trending with an aim – to show that there is support for @mr_grimshaw. How many times do you need to be told this twitter? You’ve been told 83 times. We believe he’ll be signed. WHEN NOT IF.
So see you tomorrow twitter. Any more of your nonsense and I’ll send Marcellaux and his band of friends round to see you. Have you ever been over-run by an evil Capuchin monkey horde? It’s an experience, I’ll leave it at that.
Grimlings won today twitter. I know the shame in your defeat.
Twitter you dirty dog, I’ve had enough. I am not ready to call in defeat just yet, but I am a gossamer A GOSSAMER TWITTER away from loading up my trusty blunderbuss (won in a game of shut the box in Nassau) and heading for the Trending Topics.
But why! I hear the Grimlings cry. Twas an easy trend last night!
NO. No it wasn’t. Twitter has now got sneaky. Instead of being up front and open, last night it was down low and mean. Twitter Search wasn’t showing the trend in searches, and the software wasn’t picking it up either.
Cave Dweller, for a change, was calm and serene about the whole thing. “If You Build It They Will Come.” Yeah, twitter, Cave Dweller has gone all Zen and Field of Dreams about the whole thing. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! Cave Dweller was sure that at the 6.30 refresh it would hit TTs as the trend was being picked up in Search on Tweetdeck and Mobile.
Well at 6.30 the troglodyte seer was right as the Grimlings trending powers were proven again when AidensVoice hit both the searches and TTs – then promptly disappeared. Heads were bashed off keyboards all over Get Aiden Signed Towers, until it popped back in, climbed to the top then BishyBashyBoshy – worldwide.
That’s what keeps me from walking away from you twitter – nothing stops a Trending Grimling. Then I watch the performance videos from the tour and I think about AG getting signed and I am more sure than ever that it’s WHEN NOT IF TWITTAAAAAAAHHH!! WHEN NOT IF.
I find it kinda funny twitter, but not as funny as I find you when we go for it again tonight. See you at 6 twitter – and none of your sly shenanigans if you don’t mind.
We finally found Ranting Writer
Was reading my paper this morning twitter, as I am wont to do. Well, when I say read, I mean that Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin companion was acting out various stories for my amusement. It turns out that a fashion designer spent over a million dollars to stage a nine minute fashion show. (The mime for this was exquisite).
$1 million dollars to get his point across in 9 minutes. Twitter, he should be a Grimling as we can get our point over in 9 minutes for no money whatsoever. Nine minutes it took Grimlings to get AidenGSingingLive into the Trending Topics. Cave Dweller was clapping their little troglodyte arms in excitement as soon as the trend started. “It’s going to be a 15 minuter” they sang in their sandpaper tones. In fact, twitter, when we saw the first tweet saying we’d trended we didn’t even check out software as we thought it was a mistake. NO, TWITTER ‘TWAS NARY AN ERROR. Grimlings’ fingers were flying over the keypads and smartphones as they listed the reasons why they loved AidenGSingingLive. It was a beauteous sight to behold twitter, especially when the trend had climbed to the top of the UK trends and hit Worldwide Trends in UNDER HALF AN HOUR, BishyBashyBoshy!! How’d you like that ya fail-whale brandishing old sot?
Yes, we saw it. The failwhale came out to play last night, but by then the Grimlings had trended so cared not. It did stop all the supportive tour tweets coming through, but we have caught up on them this morning.
We were going to ask why you were so nice last night twitter, but the fact is that Grimlings were just that good. Another day closer to the day that we’re waiting for. WHEN NOT IF TWITTTAATATATATAATAAAAHHH, remember that!
No love, love, love. Because tonight is Thursday, historically a hard night for the trend so we are waiting to see what tricksy travails you have up your wireless access tonight.
Ranting Writer’s Trend Review
Oh twitter. In the words of the Massive 80s Funkmeisters, Stretch, “I’ve been thinking ’bout what you have done to me. The damage is much deeper than you’ll ever see” Yes. Yesterday, not content with totally hitting us like a hammer to the head with shenanigans that made all look calm on the surface but screwed up behind your magic curtain, you threw us a curveball just as I was getting ready to paint the town WHATEVER COLOUR I DAMN WELL CHOOSE TWITTER. (Look what you have done to me twitter. Made me write the longest sentence in the world. I hates you twitter.)
Anyway, not content with making Big Boss call us all back in, twitter, I also had to junk my well written and researched trend review for GrimshawsLiveVoice as Cave Dweller needed some of my word count. Did reading that make your soul shrivel and die inside a little bit, twitter? Because writing it did for me, twitter, oh yes. Poor Marcellaux, my faithful Capuchin Companion, also had to accompany me to the bouncy castle safe room this time, so great was our distress. Normally he sits outside, chattering away and miming news stories or great novels for my amusement (His “Cider House Rules” is indeed a triumph) but last night the two of us stayed together, mourning the loss of our word count and raging at the injustice of a world where Coronation Street can ruin a perfectly wonderful evening.
So. fare thee well, twitter. Until tonight. Friday night. One day closer. One more day of great tweet reviews to read, wonderful tour videos to watch and pictures to gaze upon. One day closer to WHEN NOT IF twitter. When not if.
I have a strange feeling that I can’t quite identify, twitter. I’ve never felt like this after a trend before and can’t explain it. I am loathe to put it out into the interether as I know that everytime that I do, you come over and chow down on my kaboom tattoed ass. The word that I am looking for is *whisper* content.
Big Boss kept out of my hair tonight, sitting on their gilded throne with a beatific smile on their face. Cave Dweller only annoyed me once, coming out of their cave to witter on about search lines being strangled and running seven minutes behind. I ignored her, as in between trending Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin Companion and I were re-enacting a particularly frenetic night out Tony’s Town of Tiki in Kau’i.
So GrimshawOnTheTour hit the TTs as if propelled by magic singing ringing tree dust as the top UK non-hashtagged trend. Then before we could top up our Apple Martini the Worldwide topics looked even better with a little Grimshaw on it (JUST LIKE THE CHARTS WILL WHEN HE GETS SIGNED TWITTER JUST LIKE THE CHARTS WILL.)
So, as is my usual rant into the wireless, twitter, one day closer. One day closer to WHEN NOT IF. When not if, twitter, See you tomorrow. Don’t be a trumpetbeast and be nice to the Grimlings, there’s a good twitter.
See you on the trendside
Cave Dweller wants a word. They are in an exceptionally good mood after a Thunderbirds/Star Wars film marathon this afternoon.
Cave Dweller’s Trend Review
Remember last week when we had a trend worldwide and a simultaneous different trend in UK and we couldn’t work out what had happened? Well, we worked it out tonight. It’s due to double trending in the same tweet. The first trend starts, hits UK, then when the second trend comes along it looks as if it is “barred” from UK and goes straight to Worldwide. Tonight though, the second trend was so strong that it hit UK and bounced the first trend out. As no-one has tried trending on this scale before we are learning as we go along. Now we know that we can’t double trend in the same tweet. It also marks the subject as possible Spam, so next time we try to do this, we will have to remember to keep the trends in separate tweets.
Ranting Writer’s Trend Review
Have they gone? Good. Cave Dweller is wearing their Jabba the Hutt costume in homage to Star Wars, and it ain’t a pretty sight, I can tell you that. I’ve seen better sights at the Ryōgoku Kokugikan in Tokyo, and that’s saying something. I’m shuddering twitter, that’s how bad it is.
Anyway, Grimlings love a list trend, twitter, that they do, and you saw that tonight. Grimlings were happily tweeting AllAboutGrimshaw with their reasons why it is indeed all about the Grimshaw. It hit WW and stayed there for many a long time. We liked that. Then it hit UK as well, we like that. Still don’t like you twitter, you are indeed a pain in the gluteus.
One day closer, my fail whale waving chum. One day closer to when not if. WHEN NOT IF. See you tomorrow at 5 twitter. Be ready.
Ain’t no love in the heart of the city, or for you twitter, or for you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to present the return of the one, the only, thank the miracles for that, Ranting Writer!
D’ya miss me, my little confounded friend? Had a very fine mini break, I did, relaxing in a charming little bathhouse by the Bosphorus. That was so many new levels of fun right there.
So I returned to trending re-energised and re-invigorated. Even the sight of Cave Dweller and their Printouts of Doom fazed me not a jot. Their lips were moving twitter, banging on about TTs and numbers and trends, but I closed my ears and was once again in those sweet cleansing waters where Cave Dweller was naught but a minor memory.
Eventually though, I had to listen to them bumping their gums together about numbers, percentages blah blah please shut up I have lost the will to live and I am only back in this place five minutes at least let me get my velvet cloak off before you start blah blah. I gathered up Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin Companion and headed to my louche and licentious lair for some hard tweeting and trending.
And immediately realised what Cave Dweller was talking about. Are you bored with us twitter? Because you seemed to take out your frustrations on the Cher and Warrior trenders and left us pretty much alone. Cher’s trend actually got stopped by you twitter at one point, disappearing from TTs, timelines and search for about ten minutes. The Warriors were erased from trends and search totally. Cave Dweller was seeing new trends popping up left right and centre; at one point there were 15 different fangroups on a trending mission. Cave Dweller was thinking we wouldn’t trend when BANG up it popped AT THE TOP OF TTs TWITTAAH! What do you make of that! It also went Worldwide, which was of course greeted with a BishyBashyBoshy and an interpretative dance from Marcellaux.
You were a split personality tonight, twitter. We noticed quite quickly that you sprung something new on us tonight twitter. Two separate TT boxes that you rotated between. Don’t care. Gave us more chances to hit the TTs. Not that we needed them. You can keep that up twitter, we liked that. We also liked the fact that all three trending groups kept right out of each other’s way. No haterz on the twitter, twitter. Except for me, but hatez is my standard setting. Except for Marcellaux, I lovez my Marcellaux.
So, one day closer. Another day closer to the end of the tour. Another day closer to the news that we want to hear. WHEN NOT IF, twitter, when not if.
See you tomorrow twitter. 6 o’clock, don’t be late. We won’t be.
Yeah. Here it is. Heavily edited.
I HATEZ YOU TWITTAH YOU ….snip
Then we asked them to try again this morning. Here it is.
Oh twitter. Two hours. Two loooong hours. Fair took us back to the nights of three- and four-hour trends. I am sure I am right in remembering that one night we started at 7 and trended at 10.55? What a night that was, twitter.
Last night was a bit like a Scooby Doo chase to be honest my horrible trending-topics-defending friend. We jigged, you jagged, we ran round the corner and you were standing there with a big rock ready to whack it down on our little heads. Not fair and not nice.
What the Cave Dweller thinks (shudder. Even just thinking about the geeky horrors that lurk in that troglodyte skull gives me bad feelings in the pit of my stomach) is that twitter rejigged their spam filters again. They think that the world of compound words is closed to us forever. This is an OUTRAGE, TWITTER, almost as bad as the time I was refused entry to the high stakes tables in a little villa outside Sun City. We liked compound words – they got us 27 extra trends and we would not have got this far without it. WHY YOU DENY US THE FUN, OH TWITTER?!?!?
They also said we were low on numbers due to various thing but to be honest, twitter, I had my head down and was hitting that keyboard like it was a particularly stubborn pinata (insert squiggly thing over the n, please. Can’t find it, won’t look too hard.) Once that Emergency Trend hit the TTs I didn’t need telling , I just grabbed Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin Companion and headed to my soft bouncy castle room unbidden, yes I did twitter. only a few listens to Cannonball, Chasing Cars and Nothing Compares To You could calm me down. Although we quite liked the symmetry of trending as Aiden was singing the song, we could do without the stress levels getting there, thank you very much twitter. A few Grimlings were concerned about DAF, which Big Boss did note, but as Cave Dweller wasn’t sure what had been rejigged withing the Twitter API (OMG twitter, you have reduced me to talking like them! Help me) they had to pick something that had no connection to Aiden Grimshaw’s name at all, was short and only one word. Hence DAF.
So, another day closer. Another day nearer to the end of the tour. Another day nearer to the day a lot of people are waiting for. You know it twitter. WHEN NOT IF! When not if twitter and the thought is what is keeping us all going.
Keep our seats warm twitter, because we will see you tonight. Big style.
World War Three broke out here tonight.
Changing the TTs is a horrible thing to do, especially as we are so close to the end of the tour.
Although tonight, that was not the most horrible thing to happen. At five to six, Cave Dweller emerged from their own private troglodytic paradise brandishing a piece of paper. Thinking it was one of their Printouts of Doom we all ignored this, until Big Boss realised that it was a holiday request form for tonight.
Knowing that there wasn’t a Bionic Woman marathon showing on SyFy, we were perplexed twitter. Until Cave Dweller announced that they were taking the time off to watch the Apple press conference starting at 6.
Yes. Imagine our looks of shock and awe at the fact that Cave Dweller didn’t think to mention that the King of Geeks was doing a presentation to a room full of geeks about things beloved of geeks. And why they didn’t think that geek users of a social media platform also beloved of geeks would maybe want to discuss this. DO YOU FEEL ME TWITTER?!?!
Straight away we saw the difference, didn’t we twitter. Overall tweets across twitter were up as all the Apple fans flocked to twitter to drool over the new offerings. Our overall tweets were also up, but against the onslaught it meant our percentages were down.
I gathered Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin Companion and stalked off to my louche and licentious lair to trend. Aid3n Music was of course played to soothe us, and soothe us it did, especially after hitting TTs in 35 minutes.
Then the cool thing happened, twitter (I can’t believe that I just used the word “cool” in a sentence. You are killing me here twitter). The TTs started filling up with Apple TTs, For 15 glorious minutes the TTs read Apple stuff, Apple stuff, Apple stuff, Apple stuff, Aiden, Apple stuff. Great for raising awareness, twitter, thank for letting us join the party (although if you want to talk about parties, you should have been at the Petty Seaman of the Year Awards in La Croisette. Bliss)
Oh, sorry, lost in a merry reverie there. Anyway, Cave Dweller is so far in the Book marked Bad a crack SWAT team wouldn’t be able to get them out. They are most definitely on the naughty step. No harm done, and it actually turned out to be a Very Good Thing, but I just want to make them suffer. I defy anyone who has had to sit through their Kaboom-tattoed butt-numbing presentation, “Algorithms and their Algorithmic Nature in Determining Algorithms” to feel differently. Even the City that Never Sleeps would struggle with that one.
So, twitter. Here we are. One day closer. Again we are that tantalising one day nearer. Nearer to the reason why we’re trending. The reason why we all go temporarily insane and voluntarily tweet leet speak and kreeaytyve spelung. The reason why we do this. One aim, and it’s WHEN NOT IF TWITATTATATATAHH! When not if.
So, was it Social Media day out or something? Did you get together with your pals at WordPress and say, “Do you want a laugh? I’ll show you who to wind up.”?
No matter and no mind twitter. Grimlings and trending are like a well oiled machine now – just point one in the direction of a twitter account at 6 and watch them go. Tonight we had no blog and no timeline and a pretty closed off TT box but Grim5haw Record took 22 minutes – 22 MINUTES – to get there. We liked that we did. Almost as much as we like the idea of a Grim5haw Record. And, on the record, can we pleased be allowed to trend compound words again twitter? Gonna gonna please please. We’re nearly at the end of the trending so be kind. Just a little bit.
Lots of rumours around today, twitter. I like rumours as it puts a little skip in my wizened shrivelled up walnut of a heart, but that’s all these are – rumours. Until I hear it from a record company, or Mr G and/or his family, or mimed out to me by Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin Companion in the medium of interpretative dance then I won’t believe it. I’m a distrustful soul.
So, one day closer. One day closer to when all the Grimlings look at each other at 6 and say, “What the HELL do we do now?” One day closer to when we are firing up that iTunes and hitting that “pre-order” button. One day closer because WHEN NOT IF, twitter, when not if. See you tomorrow at 6. Funtime Fab Friday. Can’t wait.
We didn’t get off on the right foot really, me and thee. It’s a shame, as I bet if we had we’d get on like a domiciliary conflagration. Me and you, twitter, hitting the Lan Kwai Fong and just going off our heads. You’d love it. It would loosen you up. Might even stop you whisking our timelines away like a magician with a rabbit. We don’t like that. We don’t like it but we put up with it because we have an aim. An aim that gets BATTERED with each incorrect or uncorroborated rumour, but we carry on at 6 every night (noon tomorrow and Sunday) to get the message out.
So, we should be pals twitter. You me and The Grimlings all going off our heads. It would be fun. You’re missing out. No mind though, as we hit TTs with Grrimshaw Music. It didn’t stay there long, but it’s Friday Night so we were pleased it was there on a party night.
Short update tonight twitter. We are one day closer. One day closer to the day we can cast away our twibbons like broken toys. One day closer to when none of your pesky algorithms can bother us. One day closer to when all the Grimlings will party en masse. CAN. NOT. WAIT. One day closer to when not if. WHEN NOT IF!
Y’allright twitter? D’ya miss me? I missed you, oh yes I did indeed. The conversation from Cave Dweller has been “and this is my uniform from Star Trek:The Next Generation, as you can see it differs from the uniform from Star Trek:Deep Space Nine by the..” I DON’T CARE TWITTER! I REALLY DON’T. And there are not enough muscles in my face to support an expression that pretends I do.
So, out we all came to play on Monday, and it was good. SignAGPlease popped up, the message on trend 102 the same as the message on trend one. Nice.
Twitter, I’m going to let you in behind the glitter and showbiz that surrounds the trending to the harsh reality of what goes on in our secret underground bunker. About five o’clock Big Boss cracks open a bottle of Pinot Grigio and starts rocking gently in her chair, saying, “Not enough online, not enough online, not enough online”. Cave Dweller blinks furiously, her chant being “No compound words in any TTs, none coming up, come on BY TOUTATIS, where are the compound words”. Video Uploader takes comfort in watching the forty thousand versions of Mad World and singing along. I warm up by watching Marcellaux miming Shirley Conran’s Lace (I love Marcellaux’s rendition of “Which one of you bitches is my mother”. Would bring a tear to a doll’s glass eye).
At 5.45 the air in the bunker is filled with tension. By 6 when The Trend is UP! is posted, we are all like little headless chickens. Our team on the timelines send us messages to make sure that the numbers we are seeing are the same as the numbers they are seeing (and you thought we all sat here eating bonbons and calling out for Nandos). Twitter, you have me like a nervous wreck. From twenty past six I am staring at your Trending Topics box, screaming, “Trend you little ratgrommer, TREND!!!! Let us in TWITTTTAHHHHHHHH”. Cave Dweller doesn’t help the sitch very much by telling us that it should be there, waving their little Printouts of Doom like Semaphore Flags. That starts Big Boss off on her Emergency Trend talk and starts me off looking for the inflator for my lovely lovely bouncy castle.
Anyway, once it trends and we nearly knock each other out with our sighs of relief, we can relax and clock off for the night and go back to our timelines.
(The following had nothing whatsoever to do with the site, but we liked them so much we thought we’d mention them:))
But did you see what happened last night, twitter? Grimlings were out to play big style. First of all there was the 10 Reasons we love Aiden hashtag started by @love_grimshaw which took off. Not for a trend, just for fun and it was great seeing all the reasons (reasons we love twitter 1 – Sod all 2- none 3 Sweet Fanny Adams, you get the gist twitter). Then The X Factor USA announced a Q&A with Simon Cowell and @indigo_jay tweeted this.
After being presented with that most excellent idea, Grimlings got BIZZZZZAYYYYY, twitter. Masai buy in to that. “Are you going to sign Aiden?”, “Why does he have to wait until after the tour to be signed?” “Have you seen how well Aiden is doing on the tour” tweets flooded in. So much so that #asksimon trended in the UK. Would never have happened without Grimlings all piling in. The trending is excellent, but now we know for sure that Simon has seen the depth of support and feeling Grimlings have for Aiden Grimshaw getting signed. We like you for that twitter. Just a teenytiny bit. Tony Cowell even got involved (we love Tony Cowell at Get Aiden Signed Towers).
So last night we trended, we had fun and we know that Simon saw our message. Not a bad night’s work. A night that brings us one day closer. One day closer to the day when Mrs Tapster doesn’t have to tweet, “Sorry false rumour @mr_grimshaw is not signed” to calm us down and instead can send us all into meltdown/tears/screams/shakes/stunned relief with the tweet we’ve all been waiting for. One day closer until our phones beep like fire alarms with notifications and texts from each other. One day closer until tumblr, facebook and twitter fill up with with words that we can spell correctly and put spaces in. One day closer twitter, WHEN NOT IF. Oh yeah, when not if.
See you later twitter.
Ranting Writer, ladies and gentlemen.
What’s the scoop here? Why are you so bad to us? Three days we’ve been back, twitter, three days. Why do you treat us like something you’d reject at a bring-and-buy sale? It’s not on, really it’s not. We deserve better.
OK, fair enough, @mr_grimshaw was online at the start of trending. OK, some tweets with the trend were directed at him in the beginning, we’ll give you that. OK, and some tweets did have his name in them, that is also correct. OK, and we didn’t have huge numbers at the start. But apart from all that twitter, what did we do that was so bad?
And I’ll tell you what else you can knock right on the head, twitter. You can get your backend sorted out sharpish. You heard me. Poor Cave Dweller was there, trying to run numbers for their Printouts of Doom, and exited the Cave of Delights ashen-faced.
“No access!” they squeaked, panic glowing from their daylight-starved eyes. “We’ve been cut off!”.
Well, that’s new twitter. Normally Cave Dweller can guess by volume of our tweets against volume of tweets overall when Grimlings are going to hit TTs. Last night, their software couldn’t get access to twitter.
No mind, no matter, thought I, we shall just use the common or garden online software. NUHUH. That couldn’t get access either. Twitter, you cruntnocker, why do you change your system so? And at trending time too. That’s evil and bad (although it has wound Cave Dweller up to a state of near apoplexy, so good work fella. No Printouts of Doom for them to wave insolently in my beautiful visage).
Just as Big Boss opened the second bottle of Pinot Grigio ready to sent the Emergency Trend, up popped AidenGrimshawSongs in the TTs. It managed an hour in there all told, which is bloody excellent seeing as most of the trenders collapsed in a heap exhausted once it hit TTs. (Remember the days of 3 hours plodding away until we hit the trends, twitter? Well you can shove those where the iPod don’t work my dear, yes you can. Just like me and Marcellaux and a very entertaining bar in the Mississippi Delta that we mistakenly left without settling the exorbitant bill, we’re not going back there).
So, here we are twitter me old mucker me old pal. Do you know where we are? One day closer. One day closer to the end of the tour. One day closer to the day we have been waiting for and working for since 15 December. One day closer to the day when we know that soon we will be firing up our iPods, a bit sick with anticipation, nerves and excitement. One day closer. When not if. WHEN NOT BLOODY IF!!!!
Oh, twitter, me and you need to have a word. Like, a big long, angry, nasty, bitter, raging, traumatic word. The new OED came out yesterday twitter, and even that is not big enough for the words we need to have.
If I had to rate the things I hate it would read: people folding tickets over to use as nail cleaners; people folding tickets over to use as nail cleaners and then toothpicks; people in general; pieces of lemon in drinks that still have the pips in them; talking to people; people having the audacity to talk to me; and right at the very top of the list would be you twitter, yes you would be. For one reason and one reason only.
You made Cave Dweller cry.
Are you reading this twitter and saying Awwwww? Because you bloody well should be. How dare you elicit sympathy from me for my troglodytic colleague! You did though, I felt heart sorry for them. This is not an emotion I usually feel and didn’t recognise it at first – in fact I had to read out my symptoms to Marcellaux my faithful Capuchin companion and get them to diagnose me.
When the trend started Cave Dweller veritably skipped (ie thudded gracelessly) from their cave trilling (ie tunelessly moaning) “It’s a ten-minuter!”. Grimlings cascaded onto the timelines – at one point out of all our followers there was not one that wasn’t tweeting the trend. NOT ONE TWITTAAAAH. Mrs Tapster was out to play as well, so the timelines were buzzing.
10 minutes passed. Then 15. No AidenGrimshawsVoice appeared in the TTs. Big Boss started getting twitchy. Cave Dweller and I ignored them. 20. 25.30. Cave Dweller disappeared back into their cave. At 45 minutes Grimlings started getting twitchy. Cave Dweller was still adamant that it was twitter’s trends that were behind, not Grimlimgs numbers.
Then a footballer popped into trends. Cave Dweller was almost apopletic. “SEE,” they raged, “that footballer got his lad out on twitter over an hour ago. NO WAY did that take an hour to hit TTs. TTs are behind.” I was shocked, my social networking fiend, I have to admit. Not that a footballer got his lad out (I’ve been to parties, oh yes) but that Cave Dweller would even know such an expression. “Grimlings’ll hit TTs at ten past 7, quarter past tops. I’ll stake my Tomorrow People’s Jaunt Belt on it”.
Well, there you are twitter. Can’t argue with that. Big Boss did though, and when it didn’t hit at 7.10 the Emergency trend was looked out. When Big Boss posted it, Cave Dweller took the right cob and retired to their cave. Only for a millisecond though as they came flying back out screeching, “It’s there, it’s there, told you, I ABSOLUTELY TOLD YOU BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, it’s there”
And yes, it was. And lo the Grimlings didst rejoice at the sight of AidenGrimshawsVoice in the TTs. And lo didst I look out my baseball bar with a view to smashing my keyboard and screen in frustration at you and your horrific crappy angst-inducing ways twitter. And lo didst Cave Dweller cry huge salty tears of frustration. And lo didst Big Boss knock back a foot long bar of Dairy Milk to calm themselves.
Anyway, we got there. It was a huge trend as it stayed there for ages after we finished, shining like the little beacon of hope that it is. Yesterday was a good day; 4Music tweets cheered us up and we all had a laugh on the timelines talking about AidenGrimshawsVoice. That’s the good stuff, twitter, oh yes it is.
So, one day closer. Newcastle and Aberdeen this weekend; up to Glasgow next weekend then Cardiff for the weekend after that. Then that’s it. When not if, twitter, when not if.
Why do we put ourselves through this:) Here’s Ranting Writer’s letter to twitter.
Twitter, last night was as fun as a tickling session from Johnny Scissorhands. Seriously.
That should have been a ten-minuter last night, definitely. No ifs, buts or ands about it. Cave Dweller was keeping an eye on TTs and knew that they weren’t changing, but we held out hope that the next refresh would bring them back. But you weren’t playing ball last night, were you twitter. Or if you were, it was a ballgame to which we have no hope of understanding the rules. Closing TTs, then closing twitter, then running tweets an hour behind and then taking UK trends away totally is not fair. Not fair at all when we are so near to the end of the tour. You can stop that, thankyewverraymooch. Oh, and we hope that all the jailed Grimlings are now free, twitter. Jailed unfairly, methinks. If you make it hard to hit TTs we just try harder. We moved to the Emergency Trend and then ASG hit the TTs. We win. You SUCK.
Short review tonight twitter because I’m getting ready for 6 and tonight’s trend. See you then, and keep your rubbishy little hijinks to yourself. One day closer, twitter. When not if.
When Not If
So, you were a total roachbeast this weekend, but since then all has been sweetness and light between twitter land and the Grimlings. Unnerves us a bit, we keep expecting the whole shebang to come falling round our ears. However the Power of the Quiff seems to be keeping us safe this week, with two worldwide trends in two days. We like that twitter, do you? Would you say it’s Quiffilicious or maybe even Quifferific? Enough to let us trend something music related or are we pushing our luck?
We’re all in a good mood twitter, as we’re hoping for @mr_grimshaw to get good news soon. One day closer. One day closer to Cardiff, one day closer until the end of the tour. When not if, now not then.
See you tomorrow. As always.
Oh twitter. Do you remember that line from the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy is saying goodbye to all her friends? She looks at Scarecrow, her eyes are glistening with tears and then she exclaims, “I think I’m going to miss you most of all!” do you remember that twitter?
Well there’ll be none of that claptrap from here today. You will not be missed by me, not one iota. The thought of not having to deal with you or your twisted vagaries of fortune has me clicking my heels in joy and jubilation.
But have you had fun twitter? Let’s see what you have wrought over our four month campaign to show support for Aiden Grimshaw. Taking away hashtags, that was the first thing, way before this site was even set up. Twitter, that was mean as I love a good hashtag.
We’ll forgive you the novelty and the not being able to say the same thing twice. Twitter, you need to give us some credit. Getting the message out of Sign Aiden Grimshaw, in 121 different ways without saying Sign, Aiden, or Grimshaw after the first 21 trends, well let’s just say it ain’t no frickin picnic. Grimlings Got Skeelz.
So what else have you tortured us with over the four months? Enough Fail Whales to start up a very successful breeding colony. The Disappearing Timelines of Terror. The Revolving TTs of Turmoil and Trauma (actually I quite liked that one. You can bring that one back). Trends not coming up in search. Delayed trends. For a two week period you blocked off access to trending percentages so we had to guess when something would hit. That was fun times. Not enough Star Wars stickers in the world to appease Cave Dweller during those two weeks, twitter, it was horrific. They sat in the corner, looking disconsolately at the space where they would expect to see their Printouts of Doom and wail, “no reason for living, no reason for life”.
You couldn’t decide if you liked compound words or not. I bloody love compound words, we’d never have got this far without them. You twitter, like the fickle fricker that you are, couldn’t decide if you loved them or hated them. Doesn’t matter now, but at some points during he trending we could have quite happily attacked your server farm with Marcellaux’s carefully trained troupe of rhinoceros saboteurs.
Taking Trending Topics away completely in the last week of trending was a work of GENIUS twitter. GENIUS. Were you adjusting your monocle and twirling your VictorianBaddie moustache when you did that? Did you notice how we didn’t care and just tweeted support anyway? Because much more than the trending, it’s the support that’s important.
Now twitter, it hasn’t all been a Nightmare on Tweet Street. There have been some Good times as well. (But not as good as my night out in the Bowery. Oh no. The memories of that will live on long after the injunction has been lifted). Cave Dweller’s face on the first night of the site when Grimlings trended in 16 minutes was a sight to behold. It was as if the Mount Rushmore Presidents had broken into a grin. Beautiful. Big Boss’s face when they realised that the Kaboom pants came from Primark and therefore I had a Primani tattoo on the old gluteus maxims was radiant. Mine, not so much.
The 50th trend of Celebration Glasses. The first day of the tour which turned into an awesome triple trend day. DDIO might have turned us into sobbing wretches ( not me. Hay fever) but coming as it did after a nightmare of TWITTERRRRRR shutting out two perfectly good trends it was a great trend. Great sentiment and fantastic tweets. THATS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT TWITTER AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ROACHERBEAST.
Krrreeeaaaaytev Spelung can bite me. Not putting spaces in words can jump in a lake. L33t speak makes me want to stab kebab forks in my eyes. But they did the job, twitter, and I won’t miss them one little shred.
So, twitter, for me and thee it is the parting of the ways. Big Boss, Video Uploader and Cave Dweller are sticking around but the call of the open road is luring me. There’s a voice that keeps on calling me Down the road, that’s where I’ll always be. Every stop I make, I make a new friend, Can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down, Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.
(hahahahahahahaha Ranting Writer has officially lost it. The Littlest Hobo ffs)
Yeah, ok, so I have a heart. Whodathunk it.
But twitter, don’t confuse stopping with giving up, or with stopping supporting. One day closer. We’ll still be here, and the best and biggest trend has yet to come.
When not if
Laters, and still no love,